Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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