I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
