fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
