Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
