the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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