I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
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Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
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how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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