If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
