so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So apparently I’m into choking now
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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