What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
we're so committed to being not committed
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
