If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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