There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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