His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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