It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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