I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
