I puked a lego.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
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i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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