How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
