am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
