I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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