cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
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