well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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