Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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