The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
