"it" just moved
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
