it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
