i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
