I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Come see our sink grown plant.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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