this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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