gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
