Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
