i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We're too hungover to prance.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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