hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
