Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
