My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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