I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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