Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
