Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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