forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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