if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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