i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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