remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
