Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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