she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
