apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Drake has all the answers
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
