Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
