I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
