I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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