so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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