So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
