I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize