im six kinds of drunk right now
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
