Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you will always have a special place in my vag
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
