i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
