if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
