Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I puked a lego.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I believe in your delicious
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
