I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
